Fog of Eternity | Website design and discussion

Social networking is publicised as a way to make friends. We hear about Facebook and MySpace, about friends keeping in touch and about finding new people. We hear criticisms that online friends aren’t “real”. But I don’t want to be your friend.

I have friends. They’re people I see in person, or call on the phone. I even link up with them on the internet or through email. But those are a result of our existing friendship, not the cause of that friendship. As for my internet acquaintances, well them I’m just using.

Networking isn’t about friendship

It’s no different from networking in person. If I’m at a dinner or a reception I’ll chat to people, I’ll enjoy conversation, and I’ll hand out business cards. I’m not looking to make new friends. Instead I’m looking to develop a positive professional reputation. I’m hoping that some of these contacts might be beneficial in future. I want those contacts to bring me advantages.

That’s very different from how we make friends. We make friends largely for enjoyment. We have no great expectations in return. We want our friends to like us, but it doesn’t really matter if our friends are “useful”. If they can help out professionally then cool, but we’re not going to end the relationship if they can’t.

You’re using me too, and I don’t mind

We benefit from our networks. Sure I’m using you, but its a reciprocal relationship. I benefit from the information and advice on the blogs of my readers. I hear new information on FriendFeed or Twitter that I wouldn’t otherwise know. I visit great new sites that I discover through StumbleUpon, Mixx or Sphinn.

And in return I write this blog, which hopefully my visitors read, enjoy and learn from. I add value to FriendFeed or Twitter through my own submissions. I submit new sites to StumbleUpon, Mixx or Sphinn, and others discover them because of that. I’m used in exactly the same way as I use others.

Closer networks means more worthwhile “using”

We develop our networks as I’ve outlined above. And then we develop closer relationships with some people in that network. Perhaps it develops because someone commented on a blog post, and I visited their site in return. We start to learn a bit more about them. The relationship becomes more directly reciprocal.

Those are the people we can contact direct for advice. Or perhaps they’re people who throw a lead our way for some new business. And we do the same in return. The reciprocal using still exists, it just has additional value. We become closer to work colleagues than simply contacts.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like you

I tend to like people that I find interesting and who provide me with interesting information. The same holds true for those I interact with on a social network. Within a particular field they are exciting, worthwhile, fascinating. They provoke good conversation on topics I like. Using them is an enjoyable experience!

And I similarly hope that their using me is enjoyable as well. I aim to add value to the network we share. Sometimes those networking relationship will develop into friendships, but that’s a by-product.

The difference is a relatively simple one. Friendship isn’t based on benefit, networking is.

Filed under: Comment, Social Networking by Robin Cannon

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